Pawn to King 4


Nige                                                                                                                          UK stamp

How’s life in Hawaii ?  Bit warmer than here in freezing Nottingham, I’d imagine.

Great idea of yours, keeping in touch by postcard with a game of chess.




                                                                                                       hawaii stamp                                                                                                                               Baz
Great to hear from you. Where did all those years since school go, eh?Life in Hawaii is amazing. Guess who our next door neighbour is – Pamela Anderson!  Remember Baywatch? She’s a lovely girl.





Wow, Nige                                                                                                                UK stamp

Win the lottery, and now you’ve got a horndog living next door! What does Debs make of you ogling her? We’ve got new neighbours too : Pete Spragg, that scally from school. Six feral kids and two staffies  – all with ASBO’s.  There’s  no ogling his wife- Her face is a cross between a road-kill
pumpkin and Jimmy Hill.




Hi Baz                                                                                    hawaii stamp
Bad news about that runt, Spragg.  Good job my Debs isn’t the jealous type, because you can’t help looking, can you. The three of us have become good friends. She’s invited us round for drinks by her pool this evening.  We’ve bought a new puppy. We walk him with Pammy on her private beach.Nige



Hi Nige                                                             UK stamp

My dog got run over. Spragg’s staffies chased him into the road. He washed his hands of it, of course, said Maurice had goaded them, but he was only a little black curly-haired poodle, and ended up looking like Rolf Harris in a food processor.




Oh, Baz                                                                                                 hawaii stamp 

Sorry to hear about poor Maurice. Hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to take your pawn:


Oh yes, Pamela and I were walking along the beach this morning when this piece of paper just blew across the sand. I managed to catch it – it was a $50 note!



                                                                                                                      UK stamp

Hi Nige

Have the pawn.

Knowing me, if I caught a piece of flying paper, it would be a bill.  Worse than that, I’ve had my ID stolen.  Police reckon they probably went through my bins. Buggers opened up credit cards in my name, loans, everything. I know its Spragg. My Shirl went to the police, but they weren’t interested.




Baz                                                                                                            hawaii stamp                                                                                                                     That’s rough about your ID. Better news here. I bought a raffle ticket in the shopping mall, and  won a car! Not that we need another one, but I was going to get Josh a car for his 16th so it’s saved me the bother.




Nige                                                                                                                        UK stamp                                                                            

Your luck never ends. My car got nicked from outside the house. Joy riders. Turned up in a ditch 30 miles away. Must have been Spragg.

Insurance sorted it in the end, but it took weeks.




Blimey, Baz                                                                                          hawaii stamp
You can’t trust the youth of today can you? We don’t seem to have to worry about things like that in Hawaii. Take Josh  – never a moments trouble, and what’s more he’s been awarded an engineering scholarship at Honolulu University. We don’t even have to pay for his lodgings as he gets a grant. He didn’t even work that hard for his exams; it just comes easy to him.Nige



Blimey, Nige                                                                                                    UK stamp                                                                                                                    

Well done to Josh. Our Mark has had his sentence at borstal extended by 3 months for fighting. Turns out it was with Spragg’s eldest, Malone. My Shirl argued the toss with those tossers at the CPS, but no good.




Hang in there, Baz.                                                                               hawaii stamp
Mark will be home before you know it, and hopefully not up to all of his old tricks. On a happier note, we had some diggers in to build another garage and guess what – they unearthed a pot of Spanish doubloons. The museum says they were probably pirate’s treasure from the 1700’s. Reckons they’re worth a fortune. I’m going to get them set in a glass coffee table top – they’ll really shine in the evening sun when we’re drinking our rums.Nige


I’ve been digging too, Nige.                                                                     UK stamp                                                                      

Trying to work out where all the sewage is escaping from in the back garden. Did my back in and have been stuck in bed for 3 weeks. My Shirl is getting right fed up with me. I’ll be glad to get back to work.




You back upright yet, Baz?                                                               hawaii stamp

I’ve been laid out on the sun lounger all day. It was my birthday yesterday and Debs surprised me with a party in our garden. All our friends came, she booked U2 to play, and somehow we all ended up very drunk and naked in the pool. What a night.


Pawn –Bishop5


Nige                                                                                                                    UK stamp

Wish I’d been at your party. It was my Shirl’s birthday last week so I took her to the Black Sultan. Bloody Spragg was there, giving it that. After a few drinks I keeled over and woke up in hospital – turns out I’d developed a severe alcohol intolerance. That’s me off the lager for good now.




Baz                                                                                                        hawaii stamp

A month on since the party and everyone is still talking about it. Pammy took us out as a ‘thank you’ for being such great friends. There’s nothing like eating fresh lobster on a beach bar with a sex-bomb, I can tell you.




Nigel you old dog!                                                                                              UK stamp

Like you, I had seafood with my Shirl on a day trip to Southend.  Bloody whelks gave me food poisoning for 3 days. On the plus side It’s quiet as it seems the Spraggs have been away for the last week or so.




Baz                                                                                                           hawaii stamp

Our old schoolmate Nige paid for us all to visit him at his gaff in Hawaii for a couple of weeks.  Anyway, I’ve heard me son Malone has just been let out of borstal so will have the run of our house. You know what boys are like – do us a favour and make sure none of those nosey neighbours call the bizzies if he has the odd late night playing music. I won’t take kindly to anyone who grasses and gets him locked up again… If you get my drift.

Pete Spragg

Ps – You won’t believe who Nige’s next door neighbour is.



Baz                                                                                                       hawaii stamp
Hope you don’t mind, but the Spragg’s are actually staying with us. Did you not know Val Spragg is Deb’s cousin? I can’t stand them either, but Pammy loves their ‘quaint English ways’.  I took Pete to the baseball – my adopted team won which meant they won the league!Nige



Nige                                                                                                                            UK stamp                                                                                                 
Gutted mate. I’m in pieces.  Notts County got relegated again.Baz



Baz                                                                                                        hawaii stamp
Shame about County. On the positive front, last Saturday Debs and I renewed our vows – she says she’s never been happier. Pammy’s matron-on-honour dress was amazing!Nige

I’m taking another pawn. PawnxP


The pawn is yours, Nige. Sod the pawn. Sod everything in fact.                      UK stamp
My Shirl has left me. Turns out she went to knock on Spragg’s door to complain about the late-night noise. Anyway she got invited in by Malone, had a couple of spliffs, told him how bored she was, and now they’ve run off together, god knows where.Baz



Baz                                                                                                  hawaii stamp                                                                                           

Heart goes out to you, mate. Don’t be cross, but your Shirl and Malone have turned up here. She says they need some thinking space. They must be giving it serious thought: they’ve barely been out of their bedroom since they arrived.



Ps – Debs met with Pammy’s plastic surgeon. He’s going to make her size 34DD – just like Pammy’s!


Nige                                                                                                                      UK stamp
Don’t mention surgeons.  I found a lump in my testicle a few weeks ago, and was-my-Shirl insisted i go to the doctors. Had the scan result and now they’ve lopped my left’un off. Don’t ‘arf hurt. Not that I got any use for it anymore.Baz




Baz                                                                                                     hawaii stamp                                                                                                                         Keep smiling – you never know where it might get you. I’ve just had my teeth whitened. Pammy says they look amazing.




Nige                                                                                                                             UK stamp

Teeth not a problem for me.  Spragg’s knocked them out for looking at his wife.


Think I’ll castle my king now.


Baz                                                                                                    hawaii stamp                                                                                                                             On the bright side, NHS false teeth aren’t so bad good these days.

Its Valentine’s Day next week: maybe someone will turn up out of the blue?




Nige                                                                                                                              UK stamp
You were right. Someone did turn up. My cousin Hamish heard about me and was-my-Shirl. Brought his bloody bagpipes with him.Baz



Baz                                                                                                   hawaii stamp                                                                                                                             Family are so comforting. Debs’ two 18-year old nieces have come to stay for a week. I must say, they give Pammy a run for her money in their bikinis. They laugh at my new glasses, saying they make me look handsome, like Michael Caine.




Nige                                                                                                                             UK stamp
Michael Caine?  Was-my-Shirl once said my NHS specs make me look like Bill Oddie peering through his binoculars.Baz



Baz                                                                                                        hawaii stamp                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            You make me laugh.

Deb’s and Pammy keep giggling and say they’ve got a special treat for me tonight. Can’t wait!




Nige                                                                                                                              UK stamp


At last! At bloody last. I have FINALLY  beaten you at something. I‘m so sick of your bloody good luck .when all I ever get is shit. Ever since school, it’s always YOU that wins the lottery, has the gorgeous wife, the horndog neighbour, the shiny teeth, EVERYTHING.

Well now I’ve beaten you.  Lap it up, Buttercup.

It may only be a poxy game of postcard chess, but I’VE won it.


I’ve waited for this moment…BOG OFF! Keeping touch with your old mucker in his misery – forget it!

I hope the veneers fall out of your house and your teeth.


Ps: You loser !


 Basil.                                                                                                      hawaii stamp
This is Nigel’s wife – well, widow. I must tell you that Nigel died suddenly the night before your last postcard arrived. A shock to us all. He was in bed with me and a friend when he had a massive heart attack and died painlessly with a smile on his face.

The day before he said he was going to pay for you to come over for a month as he was concerned you were having a difficult time, but given your clear hatred for him, I am delighted that I will never hear from you again.


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