156.7 Paroxims after ‘It’

Report to: Ancient Civilization Assessment Bureau.
Constellation Control
Rununcular Parazone 3
Axxterent Star System
From:        Science Officer Slexhfg
Remote Planet Exploration Team
Deep Space Zone 456/h.9


Date: 7649.UJ.78


Investigation of planet P3, Star 5987874H


Scope of mission This report forms part of our investigation of a small solar system of an unremarkable star (reference 6753/9) in galaxy G75389.
Atmosphere Gaseous. Highly noxious. Main components: Nitrogen and oxygen
Surface detail approx. 71.5% saline solution, 28.5% rock and non-saline liquids
Time 156.7 paraximons after the ‘IT’- Event
 Planet Size and location Planet 23.8 belquads in diameter, 3rd in sequence from it’s sun,


Detail: The initial scan of the planet identified evidence of previous civilizations with dense concentrations of ancient buildings of differing types, dominating the planet’s solid surface.  Our scout craft landed in a typical area of previous residential occupancy. Contemporary metal signage found on inter-conurbation routes suggests this area was once known as ‘Newbury, Berkshire’. An investigation of a typical planetling’s home was undertaken, and the artefacts discovered within it studied to determine the intelligence of the organisms who used them.

Construction of a randomly selected shelter:  Built in two storeys from 8,176 red blocks of reconstituted rock, interspersed with 8 larger transparent mineral rectangles which allowed light from their sun to illuminate the compartments within, and allow occupants to view the activities of their neighbours. Access to the shelter was made in two ways:

(1)  By pushing either of the hinged rectangles, (the back one made of unplasticized polyvinyl chloride, the front of lignified plant matter) inward through a 90−degree angle.

(2)  By descending through a ceramic cylinder on the shelter’s roof, which led down through a central aperture, directly into Compartment 1 on the ground floor. Note: This method was only available to smaller, flying planetlings or gaseous entities.

Compartment 1: The walls of this space were covered with sheets of patterned paper, over which a few framed squares of artwork had been affixed. These we deduced to be pictorial representations of the occupants. These depictions showed that the planetlings were quadruped vertebrates, with thick hair covering the body, head and protruding hearing organs, indeed all parts, apart from the moist smelling organ at the tip of the head. A quasi-limb, also haired, extended from the rear to assist balance and waft away pernicious gases. We believe the brightly-coloured strap shown around the pre-head section was an identification device. One such strap was discovered hanging from a retention stub on the vertical surface inside the shelter’s entrance. Its alloy tag bore an 11-digit code, 07801-472062 (the wearers  personal registration number), and the designation ‘Rambo’, which indicated the individuals’ social status. In honour of this, our team named the indigenous race ‘Ramboids’, and we will use this term for the remainder of this report. Curiously, the feet of the Ramboids appear quite unsuitable for the construction of the building and manufacture of the objects within it.

This compartment contained 2 upholstered frameworks, each with comfortable fabric-lined square pads placed between 2 edges. It is clear that the Ramboids lay on them to remove surplus hair, given the large quantities found on them. A smaller fabric sack was placed on each pad. Thousands of beads of white foam polymer were scattered around, and the distinct presence of chew marks on the corners of these sacks tells us the beads were foodstuffs for the Ramboids.

These grooming stations were oriented to face towards a slim black box, its centrally mounted position on the wall, signifying its importance.  A series of cables extended from the back of the box through which a primitive electro-current was delivered and converted into visible-spectrum and soundwave energy. Our tests show that these energies would have radiated to the Ramboids through its plasma screen, and would have provided them with warmth and comfort. We note that regular absorptions of the screens outpourings were likely to have led to muscle-wastage and brain-decay.

Compartment 2

Passing through an internal hatchway, the subsequent compartment incorporated a number of storage units containing metal implements and significant numbers of sealed tin containers of dissected flesh and processed vegetation. Between these units stood a white metal cube with a round central portal and a supply line to both electro-current and liquid. We failed to decipher the meaning of the symbols placed at each click of its operating dials; however, we discovered that turning them stimulated a cycle of elementary music and vibration of increasing ferocity, as well as a fine visual display of aqua dynamics. This unit was for entertainment purposes, the transparent front portal being at the perfect height for viewing by a Ramboid.

Another of these engineered white objects had a more important function.  The 4 perforated rings on the upper surface dispensed hydrocarbon gas into the compartment, so diluting the poisonous oxygen of the natural atmosphere to safe breathing levels. In respiratory emergencies, a Ramboid could be sealed into a chamber accessed at the front of the unit to receive a restorative dose of methane. Incidentally, a metal gas producing unit was located on the terrain immediately outside of the shelter. Poised on 4 circular rubber mounts to negate the effect of lightning strikes, a primitive combustion engine was crammed into the front section to produce carbon monoxide which would be passed into the central cabin to boost the health of its occupants.

Compartment 2 also gave us our first evidence as to the spirituality of the Ramboids. On a raised surface stood a silvered metal alloy vessel connected to the electro-current network by an insulated cable.  It was filled from 1 of the 2 adjacent liquid supply devices and its heating element engaged. An increase in temperature to 5.7 kowpax resulted in a vapour cloud rising through an outlet stub. This simple demonstration of physics was interpreted by the Ramboids as a mystical summoning of the Spirits; the resultant miasma being revered to celebrate the miraculous transformation of poisonous liquid into a higher, ethereal state.

The smallest Compartment:  This section was the most important to its residents, being dedicated to communication with their deities. A low−level round object had been originally cast from a silty mineral deposit before being dried to form a smooth white receptacle which held liquid. The holy object had been piped through the ground to a distant marsh; believed to be the pungent home of the Ramboid’s god, who, according to an embossment on the shiny bowl, was called ‘Armitage Shanks’.  Rolls of blank paper were made available upon which messages and prayers could be written then sent directly to their god via a hand-operated liquid propulsion facility.

Shelter storey transfer system: The Ramboids operated a simple cascade by filling a space between ground and upper floors with a series of equal sized horizontal planks, each kept higher than its predecessor by the insertion of a vertical, similarly sized plank between the two. A continuous layer of fluffy hide from some yet unidentified creature, was adhered to all the upper surfaces to cushion the impact from any fall during the intricate procedure that moving from ground to first floor would have required.

Upper compartments 1 and 2: These were of similar size, appearance and contents. The main components of each were a soft rectangular platform, covered with several layers of cloth. These were multi-purpose. As well as acting as yet more areas for the Ramboids to discard hair, they were sprung-loaded for exercise and procreation activities. They also served as a temporary resting place for piles of folded coloured materials, cut and stitched in oblique shapes. These were subsequently placed or hung in the units which surrounded the edges of both compartments. The Ramboids put great importance in these collections, with hundreds of articles crammed into the units, many appearing to be untouched for substantial lengths of time.

Upper compartment 3: The extermination suite. This was the most sinister compartment and best highlights the primeval incivility of the residents. A cast metal reservoir was lined with a white surface, slippery enough to prevent the unfortunate occupant from escaping. The dispatcher would turn the controls of 2 supply devices to pour hot, caustic liquid over the individual chosen for sacrifice. The destruction process was ritualized by rubbing in a corrosive serum, selected from a crowded row of bottles and containers of various shapes and sizes which kept on a small shelf at the side of the vat.

The dissolved remnants of the ‘cleaned’ Ramboid would be washed away through a downpipe, to feed the expectant god in his marsh. The sides of this macabre compartment were lined in squares of non-absorbent ceramic to soundproof the rest of the shelter from any screams, and to enable bloodstains to be rinsed down by liquid squirted through a dedicated metal hose.

As a civilised race, we can only hope that the Ramboids suffering this fate entered these castings by their own free will.

Unaccountable: There remain many artefacts, the purposes of which are presently uncategorized.  For example, in every room we found variations of a design we call ‘the clicking things’ which share the following characteristics:


A central axis to which 2 (sometimes 3) sticks of different lengths were attached
These rotated around their axis, the smallest stick always at the slowest rate
The numbers 1 to 24 were displayed in order at regular intervals outside the circular path of the longest stick. In some versions, the 6−degree points were also marked
Each one made a non-invasive, regular clicking sound

We have no idea as to the purpose of these objects.
Conclusion:  This planet was fully populated by Ramboids, limited in intelligence, but well suited to their harsh environment. They possessed no building or manufacturing skills of their own, but had taken over from the previously dominant species who were self-exterminated as a race by the ‘It’-Event.

We feel that with limited potential of further scientific interest, continued investigation of this largely insignificant planet is unwarranted.


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