Not Being Joe Pasquale

Scene: A pub. A man sitting quietly supping his pint is approached by a regular……

– Here – it’s you isn’t it!

– Err, yes I am me

– Yeah, sorry – I suppose you get this all the time

– What – you mean being accused of being me?

– No, well yes, what with you being famous and all that


– Yep, famous. You know

– Are you winking at me?

– Erm yes – it’s a ‘knowing’ wink – I didn’t mean anyth….

– Look mate, what do you want? You walk up to me, a stranger in a pub, accuse me of being….me

– Ah, see it is you then. Told you.

– Well of course I’m me, just like you are you and that guy over there is that guy over there

– OK, I know I’m me and he is, well him but you are still you aren’t you

– I’m starting to get a bit annoyed with this, chum

– You must get this all the time I suppose?

– What – you mean berks like you hassling me? No, funny enough not that often

– Aw come on. I’ve seen you on the tele, You’re playing games with me

– Playing games! Look, are you pissed?

– I know who you are

– Excuse me?

– Joe Pasquale

– Joe Pasquale!

– Joe Pasquale. Yeah, it’s you alright.  You give me all this you’re him and he’s me and I’m that man

over there, but I know what I see and what I see is you. Joe Pasquale. Don’t deny it

– You think I’m Joe Pasquale?

– Yep

– Really?

– Yep

– What straight off the stage I presume, relaxing after my show doing….well, whatever it is Joe

Pasquale does

– Yep. You can’t kid me… Joe

– 6 foot 2 inches tall Joe Pasquale?

– Yep

– With this deep gravelly voice?

– That’s right

– I’m not Joe Pasquale

– Well I know that you are

– You know that I’m Joe Pasquale?

– Yep. Can I have my photo taken with you? Joe.

– No you can’t

– Aw, please, for the missus

– For goodness sake. NO!

– Sign this beer mat for me then. Have you got a pen?

– I certainly have not

– Just as well I’ve got one then. Here…

– God

– Thanks Joe – it’s ‘To Roy’ please

– To Roy. You want me to sign – ‘to Roy, Joe Pasquale?’

– Yep, That’s me

– OK. There you go. Roy

– Great, wait ‘til Sharon and the boys see this. ‘To Roy, Bugger off. Signed  Joe Pasquale’

– Indeed

– Bugger off? That’s not very nice

– It isn’t meant to be

– That coming from a star n’ all

– I’m not a star

– But you just signed your name Joe Pasquale! But no, you’re no star, you’re horrible to your fans.

You’re a right….

– Civil servant

– Civil servant?

– Civil Servant. Allow me to please introduce myself.  My name is Robert Ball, not star of
stage, screen and jungle but  a mere environmental Health Officer from just outside

– Oh

– NOT Joe Pasquale. Get it?

– Well, there’s just one thing then – Robert ‘Bobby’ Ball? – It’s you –  Rock on, Tommy! See, I said  you was famous!


There, that was a quick dramatization based on a true experience. I am over 6 foot, I do have quite a deep voice, I was persistently accused by a local in a Newbury pub of being Joe Pasquale.  Sorry Joe. No offence :-\

To date I have not actually been mistaken for Bobby Ball. That’s writer’s licence.


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