Mobile Groans – a humorous story about the joys of calling call centres

Thank you for calling O-Deux-Fone, (part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK): keeping your eyes and ears in touch).

Hello. I’ve got question abo…

Did you know that the answers to most questions can be found on our website at www.0defo.co.uk  and clicking on the ‘answers to most questions’ toggle.

If I wanted to do that I wouldn’t be phoning would I! Streuth, I’m getting cross with a machine.

Calls to this number are charged at 15p per minute, with a minimum charge of £3. Calling from a mobile may cost more.

That’s extortion – it’s your bloody mobile I’m calling from!

In the unlikely event of our informative ‘answers to most questions’ toggle  not satisfying the reason for your call, and you would prefer to speak to one of our highly trained partners, please say ‘Yes’, if not – you may hang up.

Yes

I’m sorry. I didn’t understand that. If you would like to speak to one of our highly trained partners, please say ‘Yes’, if not – you may hang up.

Yes!

You said ‘Yes’. If this is correct please say ‘Yes’, otherwise, please hang up.

YES!

OK. Let’s get you through to some help quickly. In order to speak to a highly trained partner most suited to deal with your enquiry, please select from the following options.

God. I hate this.

Please make sure that you listen to all of the options as some of these have changed.

No they haven’t – you want me to listen to them all and pay more for this phone call.

Before I tell you the options, let me know that at 0-Deux-Fone (part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch) we consider customer enthrallment to be our priority and your birth right, and constantly strive to improve the customer experience. At the end of this call you may take part in a short customer experience survey, which will take no longer than 15 minutes. Participation will place you in our monthly draw to win a valuable set of 0-Deux-Fone (part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch) breast pumps. To take part in our survey, press or say ‘one’. No purchase necessary, your signal may go down as well as up and you may lose your house if you do not purchase the 0-Deux-Fone (part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch) gas leak detection app. Otherwise please hold.

Bloody survey? – no chance.

I’m sorry. I didn’t understand that. To take part in our survey, press or say ‘one’. Otherwise, please hold…

….

…OK.  You have chosen not be entered into our survey on this occasion, though you may be asked to do so on future calls. Now, let’s get you through to some help, quickly.

At last.

For sales – press option 1.

No chance!

To purchase any 0-Deux-Fone (part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch) merchandise, such as monogrammed duffle coats, coasters or beanie hats – it’s 2.

I only want to talk to someone about my bloody phone.

Press 3 for our contact details.

If I didn’t know these I wouldn’t be calling you!

If you would like to transfer your existing mobile contract to 0-Deux-Fone (part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch), please press 4.

If you would like to leave positive feedback about 0-Deux-Fone (part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch), or any of its subsidiaries, press 5.

For anything else, just press 6.

To listen to all of these options again, press 7.

God no. 6! Thank you.

To enable one of our highly trained partners to assist you promptly, please enter the number of the mobile you are calling about today, then press the ampersand symbol.

What the hell is the ampersand symbol?

Remember to start your number with the correct International Dialling Code. For example, prefix with 0084 if dialling from Vietnam, 00598 from Uruguay and 810992 from Tajikistan. For a full list of Dialling Codes, including the UK, simply hang up and redial on 0845-45789 for an alphabetical list of countries.

Bastards!

You have entered no number. Please hold on for a highly trained partner.

This is a farce!

We are experiencing an unnaturally high volume of calls at the moment.

If you employed enough staff to answer, and your service wasn’t so shit you wouldn’t be having so many irate callers!

Please be assured that your call is important to us. You will answered by the next available highly trained partner. Please hold the line. In the meantime we at any 0-Deux-Fone (part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch) believe in customer choice. Please select from the following background music:

Press 1 for Greensleeves.

Press 2 for ‘Spring’ by Vivaldi.

Press 3 for ‘Passengers’ by Elton John.

God, I hate them all. Oh, I don’t know, 2.

You have selected ‘Spring’ by Vivaldi. This is provided to you by 0-Tunes (part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch) and will show as a 50p fee on your next bill.

What! You must be jok…

Good morning, and thank you for calling O-Deux-Fone  (part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch). I’m sorry for any delay you may have suffered today, my name is Sandra. How may I help you today?

Are you a real person Sandra?

I certainly am, Sir and eager to assist you. I am fully trained in dealing with any aspect of broadband, land lines, internet connections, CyanogenMod, aeronautics, plate tectonics and the recipe for mammy’s cottage pie. In fact I have a 100% customer satisfaction rating in all these areas, except the cottage pie, as one customer misheard my advising ‘a drop of Worcester sauce’ for a ‘drop of Worcester pottery’ so destroying a valuable teapot before perforating their duodenum after swallowing a shard of broken spout.

Ha! An operative, sorry – highly trained partner – with a sense of humour. It’s so nice to speak to someone helpful on these wretched call sites… and not be asked if you can call me ‘Michael’ or if I’m ‘having a nice day’ or even ‘how’s the weather where you are’!

Oh Sir, you are so charming and funny. I know exactly what you mean and I promise I won’t do that!

Ha Ha!

Ha Ha! indeed. Now, how can I be of assistance?

It’s a simple one really, Sandra, about my mobile phone…

Ah, let me stop you there, Sir. If it’s to do with your mobile phone I will need to transfer you to another department.

But Sandra –

I know. And we were getting on so well too.

It’s more than that – you seemed to be both competent and willing to help – please see if you can, I don’t think it’s a difficult problem.

In line with our Customer Relationship Agreement Policy, or CRAP,  I must terminate my involvement with your enquiry, but will put you through to the correct team who, I assure you, will be able to assist. Goodbye…did you say, Michael? I’m putting you through now.

Yes. It’s Michael… Hey, this isn’t Vivaldi!

You have selected ‘Greensleeves’ by the Spalding Pan Pipers. This is provided to you by 0-Tunes (part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch) and will show as a 50p fee on your next bill.

What! You must be jok…

Gud Affernoooon. My name is Xmahthajhj. Could I ask after yore nomniture?

Huh? My name? Michael.

Gleetings Ishmael. Can I call yous Ishmael?

It’s Michael.

Mischael?

No, M – I – C- oh, don’t worry. Let’s just get on with it.

Thank yous, Mr Schael. Are are yous having a lovaly day? Mr Schael.

NO I’m NOT! I’ve already spent 10 minutes on this call and got nowhere, at god knows what cost to me. Can we please get on with it?

On behalves of 0-Da-Fone (part of the O-Da-Fone Groupee: kelping your eyes and arse in touche) I sikinkly, hubbly apolomise, Mr Schael, for delying yous. How is the weather being where yous is?

None of your business!. Get it?

Okilydiky, Mr Schael. How can I be assisting?

It’s my mobile.

Ah, Mr Schael. Your mobile.

Yes. Whenever I…

What is ‘mobile’, Mr Schael?

Mobile! My phone. You know…Handset?

Ah, Mr Schael. Cell fone,

Yes, OK, cell phone.

Mr Schael – you need cell fone deportment.

Yes, I know I do. That’s you.

Naw, naw, naw. Many blessings to you, Mr Schael. Me no cell fones, we’s is broadleband.

What? But Sandra put me though to mobiles?

Mobiles, Mr Schael?

MOBILES! BLOODY MOBILES! LET ME SPEAK TO SOMEONE ABOUT MOBILES.  M..O..B..I..L..E..S! AND WHILST I’M AT IT, MY NAME IS NOT MR SCHAEL

Oh, I am deepeningly sawry for my misundertooding, Not Mr Schael.

Look. That is very nice, but please – just let me talk to someone in charge. NOW!

Indeedy. Yes, Not Mr Schael. I putting you to my boss, very nice man, you like– very nice man.

At last. Thank you.

You have selected ‘Passengers’ by Elton John. This is provided to you by 0-Tunes (part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK: keeping your eyes and ears in touch) and will show as a 50p fee on your next bill.

AGHHHH!

Hello? Are you alright?

I’m better now you’ve turned that awful rubbish song off.

Oh, it was Elton was it, Sir? Enough said. My name is Charles, manager of the call centre of O-Deux-Fone , which, and I’m sorry about this, but I’m duty bound to tell you, is part of the O-Deux-Fone Group UK.

I know: ‘keeping my eyes and ears in touch’!

Rubbish isn’t it. Sounds more like a recipe for conjunctivitis than a strap line.

True! I’m glad I’m talking to a manager; I have a simple query and now a list of complaints!

I’m afraid I’ll have to terminate this conversation now, Sir. Our service charter only allows for a maximum of 1,700 words per call, and you have reached your limit – apart from one word….precisely….now.

….

Hello?

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