Sherlock Holmium and the Curium Scandium

“Holmes! Have you heard? The actress Pipi Pipette was murdered at the Palladium after last night’s show.”

“Really, Watson?”

“Yes. Who do you suspect did it? The evil Manganese Fu Manchu, or maybe Professor Molarity?”

“Don’t be silicon, Watson. You don’t have to be Einsteinium to know it was neither of them.”

“So you think D.I. Oxide has it wrong?”

“He may be a copper, but sulphur as being a detective goes, he is not worth his Epsom salts.”

“What in darmstadtium makes you so anti-oxident, Holmes? He’s already raided Molarity’s den to nickel his men and clap them in ions.”

“You’re starting to boron me, Watson. Let’s be fermium about this. The inspector’s intentions may be nobelium, but any titanium can see how dense he is.”

“But with Molarity on the back Bunsen burner, surely he’ll go and cesium Fu Manchu next.”

“Ah, undoubtedly true, Watson. That pain in the arsenic always jumps to the wrong conclusion.”

“So you have a theory about who the murderer is, Holmes?”

“Yes, none other than Joules Cuvette.”

“What? Pipi’s Americium husband?”

“Indeed. Now, what are the police saying was the cause of death? Don’t tell me, ingestion of poison bismuth from a post-performance Indium takeaway?”

“Sublime, Holmes! Traces of silver liquid were found in the potassium of chutney that accompanied that fatal meal. How did you guess?”

“Poisoning is that cadmium Fu Manchu’s preferred method of killing, a fact known to Cuvette. A collector of scientific instruments, he has a motive for wanting rid of Fu Manchu for destroying countless thermometers in sourcing his mercury. My conjecture is that it was not mercury in the chutney, but an elaborate plan to entrap the Asian assassin whilst protecting Cuvette from suspicion.”

“Good god, Holmes!”

“Watson, you must get that sodium Oxide to re-examine the body of Miss Pipette.”

“No need – I shall spring into actinium myself and visit the morgue, using my position as doctor to examine the cadaver and see if there is substance to your hypothesis.”

“Very good. In the meantime – pass me my chemicals and rubber tubing…”




“Holmes,  I’m back.”

“ Watson. You wake me from my gassy slumbers.”

“You were right! I found the true cause of death that bromination of a D.I. had missed – a mighty blow to the head, probably as Miss Pipette was benzene down to take her final bow as the curtain closed. Compound it, Holmes – how did you know?”

“I got my lead reading the previous evening’s Litmus paper. An article explained how Pipette was suspected of having committed adulterant with the rest of the cast, barium none, including a homologous relationship with the leading lady, Fluorine Seaborgium. You mentioned the actress’ death, I applied simple abstraction and was left with the nuclear solution.”

“Ha hafnium! Brilliant, Holmes. But how did you know it was a brain injury that killed her?”

“ Elementary, my dear Watson – a blow on the head is worse than aloo in the mush!”

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Aisling says:

    Fantastic, very clever and really funny. Good work my friend


    1. Hi Aisling – aww thank you! I’m glad you enjoyed it – I learned of all sorts of elements I’d never even heard of. The periodic table is certainly a wonderful thing.


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